So for my first piece I am gonna introduce three very important characters! Hope you like it!
Jarrod Augustine (9) sat in the waiting room of the Locust Hill Hospital. Last year his family started falling apart. His parents were great people, but then they started fighting. He had tried to stop them from fighting by distracting them. It helped for a time, but his parents eventually broke up. Since neither of them wanted him, he was sent to live with his Grandpa. Which was fun for awhile, but then when they least expected it, it happened. His Grandpa had fallen into a coma. Now here he was, waiting in a waiting room for a nurse, or somebody to come tell him that everything was all right. He heard the door open and turned his head. He saw his Grandpa’s nurse, Nurse Krista walk in. He looked up hopefully as she walked over. She looked into his eyes and his hope was shattered. “He’s gone isn’t he?” Jarrod asked looking at the floor. Nurse Krista put a hand on his shoulder. She hated to be the one to give people the news of a family member’s death. “Would you like to see him?” Jarrod looked up “Yes, please, I want to say goodbye.” Nurse Krista took him down the hallways of the hospital, until they came to room 117. Jarrod walked into the room to the figure of the man who once was his Grandpa, but now was a body. “Goodbye Grandpa”, he said. He turned to leave and realized that Nurse Krista was not there to escort him out. He guessed that this meant that he was supposed to show himself out. On his way out heard a young voice over the radio telling listeners in Maine to watch out for escaped zoo animals. Jarrod shuddered and looked around. He couldn't see anyone at all. ‘What will I do now?’ he thought to himself. He clenched his fist and decided that it was time he started fending for himself. Then he saw an ax on the wall next to the fire extinguisher. He thought about the report he had just heard and decided that it was better to be safe than sorry. He walked over and picked up the ax. As he walked out the Hospital and onto the street, he looked around. The streets were literally empty. He looked at the ax in his hand. He was glad there was no one around, because he probably looked like an idiot walking around with ax. He walked through the town until he got to the playground. As he walked up he saw a little girl, maybe five or six years old, playing in a sandbox. He looked around for her mother, but instead he saw two young lions stalking the little girl. The lions got closer to the girl. Jarrod looked down at the ax and started running toward the lions. The lion closest to the girl open his mouth and roared. Jarrod ran up and planted the ax in the lion’s back. The lion crumbled and lay dead on the ground. The little girl, who had finally realized what was happening, screamed and ran away to hide in the slide. The second lion swatted at Jarrod, the force of the blow knocked him down and the ax flew out of his hand. Just as the lion was about to pounce, Jarrod heard gunshots and the beast on top of him went limp. He pushed the lion off of him and stood up. In front of him stood an eighteen year old boy who was holding a shotgun and his axe. “Mack Bronx” the stranger said extended his hand, after putting his shotgun away. Jarrod shook his hand “Jarrod” he responded. “That was a brave thing you did for that little girl Jarrod. You're really good with an ax. Where did you learn to use one?” Mack said. Jarrod smiled I learned it from my grandpa, he taught me a lot. He looked around for the girl. “Is she okay?” he asked Mack smiled and pointed to the top of the slide “She’s fine.” Jarrod turned to look and saw the girl smiling at him. “Come here little girl” he said smiling back. She slid down the slide and came running up to Jarrod. “Hi”, she said. “Hi” Jarrod said, “I’m Jarrod” “I’m Kyla and I’m six”, the little girl said holding out six fingers. “That’s cool Kyla. Where is your mommy?” Jarrod asked. Kyla looked around, “She was over there, but she went away.” Jarrod turned to look at Mack. “She means she disappeared, right Kyla?” Mack asked looking at Kyla. Kyla nodded. Mack’s face roughened “It’s not safe here. We better leave. There are more animals out there. You want to come with us Kyla?” Kyla nodded and grabbed a hold of Jarrod’s hand and walked with him. Jarrod smiled, Kyla trusted him and he wouldn’t let her down. “Where are we going Mack?” Jarrod asked. Mack stopped and pointed to a store called Weapons, Clothes and More. “My Aunt and Uncle own that store over there. They said I could come by any time, and maybe we can figure out where the heck everybody is.” Kyla looked scared “Guns?” she said. “Don't worry Kyla” Mack said. “There are toys and books there too.” Kyla smiled, she loved reading books. She tightened her grip on Jarrod’s hand. They walked across the street and opened the door to the shop. “Aunt Jennie, Uncle David; are you here?” Mack shouted. His call was met with silence. “Is anyone here?” “I don't think they’re here” Jarrod said. “They've got to be here, check everywhere.” Mack demanded. “Why do I have a bad feeling one of us is going to meet a killer” Jarrod scowled. Mack smiled as he walked away to look around for his Aunt and Uncle. Jarrod turned to look at Kyla and said “Well, we might as well look around.” She nodded. Mack was walking near the weapons. He grabbed a machete off the rack and kept walking down the hall. As he was walking he heard a noise from the clothing room. He walked in and looked around. He saw a bunch of clothes strewn on the tables and floors and two or three mannequins. ‘Hmm, nothing strange in here”, he thought as he turned to leave the room. Suddenly one of the mannequins pulled out a dagger and pounced on him.
3 comments:
Hmmm, I like! It's very good, nicely written. I would recommend fleshing it out a bit, just letting the events flow a bit smoother. And maybe telling us a bit more about how Jarrod is 9 and learns how to use an axe, since that is improbable but... with the right back story you could make it work awesomely:)
Until next time!
I like! It's good, and I love Jarrod:)
Here's some things you might want to fix:
1. Give us more info on Jarrod, why he's so good with an axe. How did his grandpa teach him?
2. Make the events flow a bit more into each other. Not abruptly switching
3. Add some more details:) I want to be able to see Jarrod yelling in my mind as he swings the axe to save the little girl
But really, over all, very nice!! I liked it!:)
Hey Rubix!
Jarrod is good with an axe and later a bow, plus a few instruments because Jarrod's grandpa is was a very strong Jack of all trades kind of guy, and was training JArrod to be the same.
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