Why am I not/was not as proud of Phantom Janitor?

It was my first ever published work. And at one point I was super proud of the work I had done.
My friends were reading and mostly saying good things. And I was really glad to hear all of it. Even the bad things. After all, the only way a writer can grow is through criticism and critique right?

And I am pretty sure that's not why. And it's not that I hate it either. I love the characters in the story and I am still working out their entire lives afterward and before. I have so many things I wish I could put into the book that will make people smile.

Why do I still feel such dread when sharing it then? If I love the work I did... But do I? I was so proud of it, but then I read it for myself. There are so many holes in the story.  Things I had neglected to think about when I was writing. Things that could have been easily fixed after several more run throughs of the manuscript. 

I just sometimes sit and wonder if PJ could have been a better book if I had worked harder. Maybe more people would fall in love with both the story and the characters.

I know that this next statement isn't true, but I can't help but think Phantom Janitor wasn't good because I wasn't good enough at writing the story. I had the passion and the drive but I feel like I might have lacked the ability. I am always inside my head bashing myself about the things I did wrong and Phantom Janitor always comes up... And now that I have gotten better as I write I feel like the passion is slipping away.

But I have learned something.

These last few months I have come face to face with apparent depression, something that was always more of a secondary concern for me... It sucks... But it made me realize something. I obsess and worry about things and my brain tricks me into believing things that I really shouldn't.

Phantom Janitor wasn't my best writing, but I should gosh darn proud of all the work I put into it. I should let the criticism push me to get better and possibly fix some of my mistakes I made. Fill up some holes.

This is something I have needed to get off my chest for awhile because it has been tearing at my mind and as I have been writing my post, everything I am writing here is becoming much clearer to me.

Thank you for being here and supporting me with Phantom Janitor. I can't think of another group of people I would've shared that story with. And I hope to bring more stories soon, and make you smile as you read.

This post doesn't have a title? O.O Does that even make it a post? Am I even going to post this? Maybe. Maybe not. But hey. I could. It wouldn't be the weirdest thing I have done.

Now that I got a little bit of humor in this post, it is time for some serious talk. I started this blog because I thought it was a fun way to share. But I find that I don't share my writing as often or with as many people I want to. I always get asked by people who know me (in my small town) when I am going to write another book. And I always joke how I'll have one as soon as I finish one. And recently I have had the opportunity to take some time and work on some things I am proud of.

This blog has been fun and I by no means want to completely stop posting, but as it has become apparent... I can't seem to keep myself on posting every week. And it's sad because sometimes I lose interest.

But there are other reasons too. I am open with very few people. Even people who I consider close friends. And I just want to be more honest about myself and my writing.

I want who I am as a person to reflect in my writing. Not aspects of me. I want to write about the world as it is. Yes I still want to write furry things or fiction in general, and I am not going to change that. But I do want to write about real things. Things that happen in life.  Some good and some not so much.

As this blog continues, and hopefully it will... I will come clean about some things that I want to be comfortable talking about. My issues with my depression, my issues with religion, my issues with who I am as a person. I just want to make sure I am comfortable with being in my own skin and being real when I write. I did this in Phantom Janitor. When I told people I was writing myself into Derrick, I was mostly talking about his depression. How he doesn't feel good enough because people have been pushing him down.

Now this my not be the intentional case with me, I have been very lucky to have a strong support system over the past few months in my father and some very good friends. And hopefully being honest with these issues on my blog can help me piece things together in my life. Just by jotting feelings down and telling others.

And that leads me to this feeling of wanting what I write to be real. There are things in our life that either make us happy or make us miserable. Every human being has them and they are defining points in our journey of life.

Depression
Anxiety
Work
Distraction
Choices
Friends

These things have proven to be constant things through my life and most likely other lives too. And these are not horrible things. Except the top two. Those things are not good. But they are a part of life. As are many other things. 

There are other things that are apart of life that are also constants too. These things are more divisive when it comes to humanity as a whole

We may not agree when it comes to discussions of religion, sexuality, politics, what humans as individuals should and should not fight for. And all of this is apart of our world today. And since these things are apart of life, they are all material to be used. On both sides of the equation. On some topics I don't myself know what to believe nor do I think my writing should help you determine that (God Forbid that.) But I would like it if you guys stood by me as I write from the real world and maybe just learn some things about the world with me.

I will still keep my writing safe for everyone. Okay. Rant over.