Why am I not/was not as proud of Phantom Janitor?

It was my first ever published work. And at one point I was super proud of the work I had done.
My friends were reading and mostly saying good things. And I was really glad to hear all of it. Even the bad things. After all, the only way a writer can grow is through criticism and critique right?

And I am pretty sure that's not why. And it's not that I hate it either. I love the characters in the story and I am still working out their entire lives afterward and before. I have so many things I wish I could put into the book that will make people smile.

Why do I still feel such dread when sharing it then? If I love the work I did... But do I? I was so proud of it, but then I read it for myself. There are so many holes in the story.  Things I had neglected to think about when I was writing. Things that could have been easily fixed after several more run throughs of the manuscript. 

I just sometimes sit and wonder if PJ could have been a better book if I had worked harder. Maybe more people would fall in love with both the story and the characters.

I know that this next statement isn't true, but I can't help but think Phantom Janitor wasn't good because I wasn't good enough at writing the story. I had the passion and the drive but I feel like I might have lacked the ability. I am always inside my head bashing myself about the things I did wrong and Phantom Janitor always comes up... And now that I have gotten better as I write I feel like the passion is slipping away.

But I have learned something.

These last few months I have come face to face with apparent depression, something that was always more of a secondary concern for me... It sucks... But it made me realize something. I obsess and worry about things and my brain tricks me into believing things that I really shouldn't.

Phantom Janitor wasn't my best writing, but I should gosh darn proud of all the work I put into it. I should let the criticism push me to get better and possibly fix some of my mistakes I made. Fill up some holes.

This is something I have needed to get off my chest for awhile because it has been tearing at my mind and as I have been writing my post, everything I am writing here is becoming much clearer to me.

Thank you for being here and supporting me with Phantom Janitor. I can't think of another group of people I would've shared that story with. And I hope to bring more stories soon, and make you smile as you read.