Comparing Drafts! (Jackson Pacer: Penned to Kill)

During my writing endeavors over the last six/seven years stories have come and gone. But one of the stories that really intrigued me was about a mostly anti-social author who reluctantly solves mysteries that he somehow always ends up in the middle of.

For everyone who has either been a longtime reader of my blog or wattpad, you should all be aware of Jackson Pacer and who he is. I first started writing the story of Jackson about two years ago but stopped because I don't know anything about the police force, but I recently took up writing it again!

This is why within this post, I will be posting the two versions of the first chapter. Now I mentioned on the schedule that I will need help! And I do! I will not specify which one is the rewrite (though since I showed some of you the rewrite already it may not be too much of a surprise.)

I want to hear your thoughts! Which one is more well done? What are some things I should clarify? Is anything unnecessary? I want to make sure this is a good story. So after you read each version, I will post a form for you to fill out. You do not have to fill it out, but it would be super helpful if you could spare a few minutes to help! Happy Reading!



VERSION ONE!

Chapter 1: The quiet before the storm

            “Karoline trudged through the mud, trying to escape the man who was following her. She had finally realized that her idea to follow, was not the best. She took her phone out, trying to find a way to call the police… but her phone had no bars. She could hear the cracking of twigs behind her. She had to get the evidence to them, but first she had to get out of there alive. Unfortunately she tripped over an unexpected twig and fell. She turned around and looked up as the guy chasing her broke through… “I am not going to let you get away with this…””

            Jackson Pacer sighed and tapped his fingers on his laptop. What happened next? What should happen next? Should Karoline try and stall the guy, maybe get the guy to confess? He sighed and sipped his coffee. 5:30 in the morning was usually the time where all of the ideas in his head flowed, but for some reason this morning wasn’t working for him.

            He couldn’t put his finger on what was wrong. After all, he had written and published two books in the past three years. But for some reason, he couldn’t finish one lousy paragraph. He thought and thought, but he couldn’t figure it out.

            He sighed. It was probably the fact that school was starting again, and this was his senior year and he wasn’t looking forward to it. Seriously, Jackson could not think of ONE person who actually enjoyed school… And then his phone buzzed and he remembered that he did know someone who actually enjoyed school.

“Michael Nash.” He said smirking a little. “What’s going on?”

Mikey groaned on the other end of the line. “You literally only answer the phone like that because you know I hate it.”

“You know it, buddy.” Jackson smiled. “Guessing you’re already ready for school?”

Mikey stayed quiet for a second or two. “Yeah… How’d you know? You ain’t looking through my window are you?”

Jackson looked out his window with a straight face, “Yes.”

He heard Mikey start to laugh, but then he looked out his window and Jackson waved. “DUDE!”

Jackson made a face at Mikey. “Dude, I know you! I don’t need to look through your window to know that you are ready for school to start. You love school. Seriously, I don’t need to be Sherlock to figure that out. Plus… You are up at 5:30 in the morning.”

Mikey chuckled, “Oh really Sherlock? Well then, I bet you’re in front of your computer working on book three in your pajamas and drinking coffee.”

Jackson chuckled, “Maybe I should write a book about your detective skills.”

Mikey laughed, “Please don’t. I hate the thought of being shot at. Besides in both of the books you’ve written, Karoline has almost met her demise more times than I can count.”

Jackson chuckled, “Aw, come on. It would be boring if no one almost died trying to solve a murder.”

Mikey sighed, “You say that, but you’ve never actually had to solve one.”

Jackson smirked a little, “Who says I couldn’t?”

Mikey was silent again. “Dude, you are nuts.”

Jackson sighed. “I really hope you didn’t take that literally. Murderers can be dangerous to chase down, Mikey. I am not going to risk my safety to try and play the detective.”

Mikey laughed, “You say that now…”

Jackson rolled his eyes. Mikey was obviously trying to mess with his mind. “Mikey… Seriously. I better not find any dead bodies in the near future.”

Mikey laughed, “Chill, Jackson. No one is going to die. Promise.”

Jackson let out a breath of relief. “Okay… Good. I don’t know if I’d even have the stomach for that kind of thing. I just write it.” Jackson’s mind immediately went to the book signing he had later that day during school. “Oh, yeah. Mikey, before I forget to ask. You are coming to my book-signing for book number two right? The one in the school library?”

“Of course!” Mikey’s pitch rose. “I am totally going to be first in line.”

Jackson chuckled, “Yeah, sure. Bet you my number one fan will be there when I get there.” He chuckled a little just thinking about her. Jamie Wright was her name. When Jackson’s first book got big, she started following him around, bringing him stuff. It was nice… but it was creepy at the exact same time because she knew exactly what he liked… and exactly where he would be.

Mikey coughed twice and cleared his throat. “Jamie? Oh come on man. She’s just a fan of the book. She is harmless. Besides, free food.”

Jackson sighed, “Kinda creepy if you ask me.” He chuckled, “Yeah… I do enjoy free food.”

Mikey chuckled, “Yeah.” Mikey sighed and coughed again. “Well, I am going to let you get ready for school.”

Jackson chuckled, “More like stare at my computer screen for another thirty minutes and down another cup of coffee.”

“Aw come on Jackson. Where’s you school spirit?”                                                     

Jackson groaned, “I lost it when the education system took my soul.”

Mikey laughed, Jackson knew it was at him and his buddy was not going to let him forget about it. “Oh that’s rich. You should copyright that line, smack it on a t-shirt!”

Jackson rolled his eyes and hung up the phone. He had always wondered how he and Mikey became best friends, though the fact that they were neighbors really did help them develop a strong friendship. Plus they had mutual dislike for things like Presidential Candidates, pears, and Mikey’s younger stepsister Shelby Keener.

The first two were obvious as to why they didn’t like them, but their dislike for Shelby would make some people think they were crazy. But that was because they didn’t know the real Shelby Keener. Only a handful of people ever saw the real Shelby. The Shelby Keener that everyone else saw, was a popular talented girl, who was the city of Halston’s sweetheart. She was even elected Miss Halston twice.

But that wasn’t the real Shelby Keener. Only a few people knew the real Shelby. It was a small group which consisted of her two assistant Lead Cheerleaders (as she called them), her boyfriend (who happens to also be her best friends boyfriend if that says anything about her character), and several smarter people in the school. Shelby was ruthless for bully people like Jackson when no one was looking. And from what he had heard from scattered cheerleader chatter, Jackson knew that Shelby had a temper even with her friends. All in all, she probably was an ace at acting like an angel while hiding her pitchfork from her adoring public.

Jackson had his own reasons for not liking her. When he first started selling his books on campus after his first book came out, she destroyed his table while he was away to lunch and ripped apart one of his idea notebooks. Jackson growled just thinking about it. It took him a year to remember all of that stuff and written it down again… and he still thought he was missing something.

He breathed, trying to calm himself down. He couldn’t let himself get mad. He got out of his chair and went to splash his face with water. This year would be different. He wouldn’t have to deal with Shelby if he just stayed away from her. He’d just stick with Mikey and keep away from Shelby. Yeah. That would totally work.

“Yeah right…” He mumbled. He considered drinking a lot of water and throwing it up so he would have to miss the first day of senior year… but Mikey knew he had done that last year. He would probably know again.

Jackson sighed and started getting ready for school, dreading the worst.

VERSION TWO

Chapter One

“Karoline trudged through the mud, trying to escape the man who was following her. She had finally realized that her idea to follow him was not the best. She took her phone out, trying to find a way to call the police… but her phone had no bars. She could hear the cracking of twigs behind her. She had to get the evidence to them, but first, she had to get out of there alive. Unfortunately, she tripped over an unexpected twig and fell. She turned around and looked up as the guy chasing her broke through… “I am not going to let you get away with this…” She crawled backward as the man continued to approach her. “You won’t hurt me again!” The man came even closer and grabbed at her. The jolt of adrenaline made Karoline jolt up in bed in a panicked sweat. “NO!” “

The tapping of his fingers hitting keys and a third cup of coffee were the only things keeping Jackson awake as he typed the words from the pages of his notebook. It had taken him three months of ignoring his classmates and faking sick so he could stay home writing and finish his first rough draft of novel three. Jackson’s insomnia fueled productivity had gotten him through twenty-three pages of his one-hundred fifty-page notebook. He could only describe the scene he was writing right then, as her nightmare before the murder.

He stopped typing and began drumming his fingers on the desk. He looked over at the half-filled coffee pot and silently considered drinking another cup. The bitter taste of straight black coffee, fueled Jackson’s gritty imagination.

He decided against it at that time, and turned his attention over to the alarm clock by his bedside. The judgemental blinking lights on the clock read 5:27 AM. Any minute now, he would be getting a…

“BRRRRRR!”

His cell phone started to buzz from his bedside table. Jackson narrowed his eyes and muttered under his breath. Mikey was calling him four minutes earlier than usual. The nerve of him.

He got out of his chair and went to grab his phone and went back to his seat, sliding his thumb on the screen to answer the call. “Micheal Alastair Nash.”

The teen on the other end groaned. “Oh my god. I hate it when you do that. Who are you, my mother?”

“Nope. Just someone who knows literally everything about you.”

“I take back what I said before. I hate you when you’re in creative hermit mode.”

“Then why did you call me?” Jackson leaned back in his chair so he could look out his window at Mikey’s Voltron curtains. Any stalker would have had a field day with that view, but not Jackson. Mikey’s room was not much to look at, and Mikey wasn’t a very good stalkee. That’s totally what they called it, right?

“Well, I really didn’t feel comfortable staring at your window until you noticed.” Jackson blinked to see Mikey glaring at him.

“Sorry. Just thinking.”

“Stop. You look absolutely sinister.”

Jackson rolled his eyes and yawned. “I think I am just a little tired.”

“Gee! I wonder why?”

“Maybe because it has something to do with the weirdo calling me at 5:30 in the morning?”

“You were already awake.” Mikey chuckled. “You know if you want to get any sleep, you should turn in. School starts in two and a half hours.”

Jackson spun in his chair and leaned back. “I don’t think I want to go.”

“Me neither.”

“That’s a load of bull crap. You’re already up and ready to go.”

“I can be excited if I darn well please it. I don’t need your judgment.”

Jackson glanced out his window again. Mikey was sitting right in front of it messing around on his sketch pad. “Hey Mike? You want me to make you some coffee?”

“No thanks, man. I don’t need coffee when I have a positive attitude!”

“So that is why you fall asleep in English.”

"Shut up! I don’t see you with a positive attitude.”

Jackson grinned, “I don’t need one. The education system took my soul. Coffee fills the dark void.”

Mikey looked up and grinned, “I am stealing those and slapping them on T-shirts.”

Jackson stuck out his tongue. “Not if I get them copyrighted first!” He looked over at the clock, which was now blinking 5:40 at him. Maybe he should get ready for his government-mandated education. “I think I am going to go.”

“Aww! But then I’ll have no one to talk to.”

Jackson laughed, “Not my problem buddy.” He was about to hang up, so he could avoid Mikey’s shouts, but he stopped. “Mikey?”

“Yeah?”

“Amaretto cream and five sugars?”

“Yeah…”

Jackson waved at his friend through the window. “Talk to you later buddy.” He closed his curtains and hung up the phone.

It was time to get ready for school. His eyes drifted over to the coffee pot one more time. Maybe he could have one more cup of coffee…

Alright!

So now that you did that, here is the form! Just click on the shiny underlined letters!

There will just be a place for your name, a control question (just something basic to make sure everything on the form is working properly), and a comment section where you can make comments on each section! And then at the bottom I will put a section where you can type out any extra thoughts you might have.