ADHD and my writing

In times past, I have dropped the ball on writing for this blog more times than I can count. You guys already know this because I have apologized so often for this so many times, you'd think I was one of those problematic influencers. 

But I am not. I am just a simple chee... who at times forgets he has a blog that sometimes would like to feature more than one post a month.

Now just a warning before I start, I will be talking about my experience with ADHD. I want to make it clear that I do not see ADHD as a negative deterrent in my life, and I understand that not everyone has the same experience with it.  I am just writing this because I am acknowledging that I may not be as productive as I could because I am easily distracted.

What is ADHD? First off, according to psychiatry.org, ADHD (Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder) is a common mental disorder mostly found in children, though it can also be found in adults. People with ADHD can tend to be people who have a hard time focusing, people who behave in a hyperactive, and people who act on impulse without thinking. These are just the main symptoms psychiatry.org mentions. It goes into more symptoms later on and I cannot share them all otherwise this post would turn into something that I did not intend for it to become. So click here if you want to learn more about ADHD and the symptoms. 

How do I know I have ADHD though? A valid question.

I was tested for it as a kid, and the doctor told my parents I needed to go on medicine for it so I could pay better attention in class. They don't really say much about it besides that. And I stopped taking the medicine after ten years because I ended up getting sick while taking it. As the years have gone by, I still recognize the same traits I have always had that I never knew were connected to ADHD. Forgetfulness, bad organization skills, easily distracted, issues with focus. These are all things I still struggle with today. 

And these symptoms of ADHD are things that people in my past have gotten angry with me about, and I am not talking about my teachers. I am talking about adults in my life, former friends, other people. I always talked way too much as a kid, or got really loud and excited when something good happened to me. I was also a very active kid, so I moved around a lot. I also had an issue with finding my place in conversations, which I am not 100% sure is a symptom of ADHD but it is something that people would yell at me over.

I guess people thought that negative reinforcement when I did something like the things in the above paragraph would help me or something? I don't know. I donh't know if they really ever helped me. 

I am pretty open about myself, so I am going to share a very personal story. My family is very religious, and I used to be that way too. I used to participate in a bible study with people who were five to six years older than me from the time I was maybe... 12 till about 20. Maybe more, maybe less. I am not too sure how the time worked out. And this group of guys liked to study the bible and talk about issues in their lives, and since it was a bible study the topics of sharing struggles with certain sins came up. And since I thought it was good to have people who could possibly help me become a better person in my own walk with God, I participated. But week after week, I'd find myself not being able to comment as much in conversations. Maybe it was my age they didn't take seriously or the fact that I sometimes had to talk over people because I was getting ignored... I don't know. Some of these guys didn't like that I would talk over them or get distracted when I wasn't being involved in the conversation, so some of them would decide to either ignore me more or immediately shut me down. My father was apart of this group too, same as me. Looking back, he was given a similar treatment, though not by much because he was a pastor, and the oldest person in the room... I am getting off topic somehow. I took the things that happened in that group seriously, even though my nature seemed like all I wanted to do was not pay attention and talk whenever I wanted. There are other things I could say here... I spent a good deal typing up some qualms I had here... But that is not the point of this post.

Things like this may have lessened some of my symptoms. For example, I do not talk much to people unless I am comfortable around them. I am a bit mellowed out and really don't get overly excited unless I feel comfortable showing excitement. I feel like the person I was as a kid has been drowned out and I am just a shell of the happy, outgoing, crazy, fun person I used to be. And now people tell me, "Oh, you're so different! You seem so depressed lately! What's wrong?"

... It's something I still don't know how to handle properly. Especially as a writer. I started this blog as a way to possibly share my stories with the world. And I have done that at points. I just post in segments of a year like maybe I will be consistent for like five months! Then work or school or a worldwide pandemic will come along and I'll get wrapped up in something else. 

I love to create stories and I want to be the best writer I can be. I have also been doing some editing recently and I am really glad that I have had the chance to grow as a writer and help people better their own writing at the same time. But there is always that nagging in my head that people may not respect me as a writer because I don't nearly post as much writing as my friends do. People won't take me seriously as a writer when all I did was write an adequate book three years ago and published two short stories in a completely different genre. And then I'll get in my head about the stuff I have published. Was that stuff even any good? Do my editors think I am a good writer? Do my writer friends judge me because I seem to care more about making personal connections and friendships more than I do about writing? I mean I do care about friendships. I think the people I am close to are great... 

This. This above was a tangent I wrote. I kept this in here because that is what goes on in my head, a small piece of how my mind will run away with the idea that I am not doing all I could be. 

Last year, I finished about five different short stories. And I started about six others. I am not proud of the fact that I am not done with those yet. I am also not proud with the other unfinished projects I still have, This blog post was a side-thought compare to those other things. 

But it is not bad to try and work with these little distractions and impulses. I am able to focus my energy when I feel like it is important. I have three published stories to my name. Two more short stories coming out later this year, maybe more! And also my stories on wattpad. And I am also not counting the finished stories I have no clue what do to do with yet. Whether I think they are good, is beyond the point. This post is not about my self-worth. I do not think I will ever have the courage to talk about the way I feel about myself. 

I am an easily distracted person, who will start new projects at the drop of the hat because I get so excited about the concept of a new idea or story... But I have the capability to focus and do something good with it. Those times my mind gets the better of me and wanders, I use that time to think about current ideas or new concepts I might like to cover in a story. Then I'll try and write it down the best I can. I always have my idea notebook around. I know I might never completely overcome my ADHD. And I may not need to. I just need to know how I can work with it or around it. I need to recognize the fact that there are times I can't control every action I make or how much I can focus on a certain thing... But I can try hard to do as much as I can. And the forgetfulness thing? Meh... I'll  think of something for that later. My goal is to be a good writer, and hopefully I can push through the difficulties that ADHD can present and make more stories for people to enjoy.. 

I hope that this hasn't been too weird of a post. I know that my experience isn't the only one, but maybe it could help someone else with different struggles. It's difficult to acknowledge this type of thing. But it's important to learn how to grow even if you have things that may hold you back.